Immelman: Not bastard, on drugs?

Even with Tiger on crutches, Trevor “I’m Lame” Immelman couldn’t close the gap (see "Tiger Chase"). The gap, of course, being that between “Greatest Player Who Ever Lived” to “Mediocre Journeyman Loser Who Got Lucky In A Major”.

NOT BASTARD
With his new-found fame as a Major winner, Trevor had the field in the Byron Nelson quaking in their boots as he shot 78-75 for 150th place. In a deserted press conference afterwards, Trevor sobbed as he confessed that he has discovered that he is NOT Gary Player’s illegitimate son, something he had believed for years. “I have a picture of me on his shoudlers when I was 5. I just never thought my parents would willingly place me in the arms of a complete stranger and encourage him to position me on various parts of his body. I just assumed I’d been adopted and that he was my real Dad.”

PLAYER PHONY PRODIGY POSED PETTING PHOTO PLOT PERPETRATED
Expectarant has discovered a “Prodigy Photo” scam that Player has been perpetrating for over 30 years. Each summer, hundreds of 5-year-old children in South Africa pay thousands of dollars to sit on the oily little man’s shoulders and have their picture taken. Whenever any of them find fleeting fame, the picture is produced to show that “Uncle Gary” spotted their prodigal playing ability years before.

To give the scam credibility, Player has software which automatically sends a voice mail to all of the former shoulder sitters the night before the last round of a Major. The message is: “Hey fella. Believe in yourself, hold ya head still on putts, and be strong through adversity, because adversity will come”. Several recipients, now ex-golfers and working as plumbers, priests, rent boys and in McDonalds, have sued Player’s telco in an attempt to get the messages to stop.

In another development, David Leadbetter was asked why he had likened Immelame’s swing to Ben Hogan’s. Chuckling, David tried to rescue his tarnished reputation by claiming that obviously he meant Hogan’s swing “just after or even during his near-fatal car crash”.

ON DRUGS?
Immelame’s sudden burst of “talent” in winning the Masters has drawn comparisons to other sudden performance surges by athletes. Examples include Michelle Smith de Bruin, Marion Jones, Barry Bonds and Florence Griffith-Joyner.
Alert readers may also remember Gary Player’s stunning allegations regarding drug use in golf. He claimed at the time to know the doper personally.
Now, asked why he staggered drunkenly around in 78 to stand 153rd on day one of the Byron Nelson, Immelame alludes to having exhaused his supplies of what may be an illegal substance. See "Out of Gas"

Shakespeare for yoots

It is well-known that The Bard was a keen golfer. His works are peppered with references (albeit vague) to the Royal and Ancient game. A favourite quote describes the all-too-familiar aftermath of the chipping yips:
'Faith, that was not so well; yet would I knew,
That stroke would prove the worst!'

A new book entitled "To Be or Not To Be, Innit" by Martin Baum, purports to be a "Yoof-speak guide to Shakespeare".

It includes classics such as:
Romeo and his Fit Bitch Jools
Verona was de turf of de feuding Montagues and de Capulet families. And coz they was always brawling and stuff, de Prince of Verona told them to cool it or else they was gonna get well mashed if they carried on larging it with each other. Meanwhile, whilst all dis was going on, Romeo, from de Montague posse, had become all jiggy jiggy with de Rosaline bitch who was de niece of de Capulet massive. But never ready to settle with just de one bitch, Romeo and his boyz disguised demselves and crashed de Capulet turf where dere was de masked ball going down, and that was when he saw de well fit Capulet’s daughta, Jools.

and:
Amlet, Prince of Denmark
Dere was somefing minging in de State of Denmark which was making Amlet all uncool. First, his Uncle Claudius had married his muvva, de main bitch Queen Gertrude. Then de Norwegian Fortinbras massive was freatening to invade de Danish turf and finally, and quite unexpectedly, de rank ghost of his nutty farva was spooking de crap out of him. De minging ghost told Amlet he was poisoned by Claudius and wanted him to do somefing about it. Amlet said “Aiii,” and reckoned de best way was to pretend to go all loony toons to make everyone fink he was barking, including Ophelia, de fit bitch he wanted to be all jiggy jiggy with.

Sadly, we don't have an extract from "Offello", which we assume involves "a Paki wot strangles 'is crumpet".

More Butch than Harmon

Lewis Hamilton in a thong?

Danica Patrick gets long-awaited victory at weekend race in Japan

Expectarant was delighted to see Danica Patrick finally winning her first race in IndyCar. In a shocking development, the shy, retiring convent girl took time off from being a slut to actually bring her car home first.

To the last, Danica continued her selfless one-woman destruction of IndyCar's credibility and managed to expose a breast as she took the chequered flag. Afterwards, she tearfully apologized to her legion of onanist fans, as winning a race now means that she no longer has to appear in GoDaddy ads referring to her beaver.


She blamed her pit team for having the best fuel strategy and actually giving her enough gas to finish.
She had intended to conduct a simulated sex scene on the bonnet of the car after it had sputtered to a halt on the last lap. In the event, she had to make do with some suggestive stroking of the trophy and an entirely predictable routine with the champagne bottle.


Her numerous soft-porn shoots bring back memories of the infamous Michael Schumacher Playgirl spreads. Late last night, Lewis Hamilton announced plans to don a posing pouch and simulate fellatio on Fernando Alonso.

Tiger Chase

"Trevor Immelman's win starts Tiger chase"


Just as I feared.... part of the flood of sycophantic waffle building up around this mediocre little South African golfer.
- Splash! Classy Immelame shows his composure under pressure on the 16th






No mention here of how crap "Immelame" played to miss four cuts already this year. The guff about "Hogan-like" makes me want to throw up, and if I hear "golf prodigy" again about a 28-year-old I'll chuck.

I confidently predict he will have a Majors record as glorious as Ben Curtis, Todd Hamilton, Ian Baker-Finch and Steve Jones.

That's without including winners of the most non-Major of all, the USPGA Journeyman's Classic. Past winning lottery ticket holders there include such consistent performers as Shaun Micheel, Mark Brooks and especially the sylish colossus, Rich Beem (right).



Majors are a scarce resource, a rare delicacy wasted on 99% of the automatons that infest the Pro Tours. I see players like Colin Montgomery and Sergio Garcia branded as failures for not having a Major tucked away. Hence the pain I feel when I see the 2008 Masters go to.... sorry, what was his name again?!