Bizarre Beastly Bulldog Bestiality Beamed?

PATHETIC PLAYER PERPETRATES PERVERTED PRETEND POOCH PENETRATION POSING PROMOTION

From the Expectarant “we couldn’t make this up” category. It appears that Gary has dropped his “Player Phony Prodigy Posed Petting Photo Plot Perpertrating” (see HERE) for some strange one-on-one action with man’s best friend.

Hard to believe this. At times quite brilliant in a “The Office”-esque way, this bizarre ad for UgMO is ultimately quite disturbing.

You decide. Two versions to enjoy:




Thanks to Kimberley for bringing this sordid mayhem to my attention. Remember Kim: Viral marketing doesn’t work anymore. Tell everyone you know that.

Nothing to be sniffed at…

ANNIKA SORENSTAM LAUNCHES FRAGRANCE
"Annika Sorestam to launch "Annika by Annika" at the WGC at Doral"

Drawing gasps from the assembled horde of howling hacks Annika Sorelymissed got the launch of her new fragrance off to an appalling start by revealing her notoriously ugly back. As the dipsomaniac doodlers dashed for the door, she squirted some “Annika by Annika” into the air and coquettishly chuckled as she gazed over her grotesquely gnarly shoulder at the petrified pen-wielders.

BOO BOKES
There hasn’t been this scale of negative reaction since the launch of “Boo by Boo Weekley”, a nightmarish concoction of urine, blood, beer and bronxcheer bubbles designed to be pored over one's head (below). On that occasion the stampede led to several deaths by trampling and we were left with the heartrending sight of the abandoned aesthete (see "Brainy Boo Busted" here) retching, sobbing and dabbing at his eyes with a self-embroidered lace handkerchief muttering “Oh me. I suspect I’ve overreached in my slovenly subterfuges…”

PHAT PHIL PHRAGRANCE
Another classic was “Phat by Phat Phil Mickelson”, a heady brew of unsaturated fat, lard, ground beef and natchos. Promoted as a combination of scent and hair gel, as well as Phil’s favorite health drink (see "Phat Phil Phinds Phorm" here), this gelatinous goo was guaranteed to stick around for days as it seeped into (and later back out of) the wearer’s pores.

IMMELAME INDIFFERENCE
The most boring launch was that of “Trevor by Trevor Immelame”. Well known for finishing bogey-bogey-bogey even when managing to win, this loathed lotion was based on Trevor’s unfortunate tendency to soil himself when under pressure (see "Immelman meltdown" here). The heady aroma of sweat, excrement and urine was too much even for the notoriously noxious newsmen.

TIGER TUMESCENT
Not surprisingly, the most successful launch was Tiger Woods' tantalizing “Wood by Tiger”. It’s advertising slogan, “Use This, Get Wood!” was wildly popular. Sadly, it was withdrawn from sale after the notorious Gary Player incident. After drinking several bottles of the heady brew, Player was apprehended and charged with fragrancy when found lurching around trying to put children on his shoulders and muttering “Ed Varsity welcome” into his mobile phone (see "PLAYER PHONY PRODIGY POSED PETTING PHOTO PLOT PERPETRATED" here).

Rawson Regrets Dissing Dykes

BABBLING BINT BAWLS

A tearful Anna Rawson apologised today for comments she made calling former famous women golfers "dykes"

The talentless tart teared up at a press conference she called to explain her comments. Rawson, a leggy blonde who will happily shed her kit at a moments notice, said that she was "trying to promote golf". Needless to say, this comment drew a gale of guffaws from the assembled soused scribblers.

"When I said '25 years ago when the tour was full of, you know, a lot of dykes and unattractive females' I was merely trying to favourably highlight the amazing progress we have made. Look how far we've come! Unlike in the old days, today the tour is full of calendar-publishing sluts, over-hyped Big Bird lookalikes and conveyor-belt Koreans with a one season shelf-life......as well as the dykes and unattractive females"." The hungover hacks jeered delightedly as the hapless harlot rambled on.

Rawson (left) is, of course, no stranger to controversy. At regular intervals (as she has deservedly slipped out of the public gaze to the level of anonymity her lack of ability deserves) she has "slipped up" and made an outrageous comment that gets her the exposure she so desperately seeks. A classic was last year when she declared to a startled reporter from Men's Health "I have penis envy". She hastily explained that what she meant of course was "I want a cock!"

As the press conference came to an end she topped all previous comments when she claimed that she was actually hoping to be taken seriously as a golfer. The gin-soaked journos erupted into cackling snorts as pictures of the scantily-clad slut were passed around.

The golfing world closed ranks to support artless Anna as great names from the past gathered to deny the "dykes" implication. Laura Davies put her considerable weight behind the rebuttal. "I've never kissed a girl" she grunted. "Nope. Nothing like that here" added her companion Mianne Bagger. Kelly Jones and Karrie Webb held hands as they called the accusations "baseless" and added "there's no torrid tribadism on tour". Muffin Spencer-Devlin vehemently denied the accusations. While happily admitting she likes minge, Muffin correctly pointed out she was too talentless to count.

Asked for a comment, Rosie Jones and Patty Sheehan were heard to remark "Oh shit. She must mean us......"