Modest Annika hands over reins

AVERAGE ANNIKA ANNOUNCES ADIEU
A tearful Annika Sorenstam (left) last night announced her imminent retirement as leading unattractive woman golfer. "It's time to go", she flubbered, "recently some shots of me looking vaguely sexy have been circulating on the internet".

There was a stunned silence from the assembled drink-sodden oily journos, who then erupted into drunken cackling and snorts as copies were passed around of what may well be the most unattractive nude back photo ever published:

Annika hurriedly clarified that she was referring to "other" attractive pictures, but despite a lengthy and comprehensive search no such images have turned up.



WORLD'S FINEST PLAYER?
More dominant in her day than Tiger Woods, perhaps still the finest player on earth and winner of last week's Michelob Ultra Open, Annika inherited the mantle of Karrie Webb, previously the world's leading lady golfer and similarly unhot.


LARGE LAURA
"We've all tried to live up to the literally enormous reputation of Laura Davies, who truly established the concept that only women who don't publish calendars can lead the world rankings. There's no denying that tour tarts occasionally win, but shedding kit, cavorting on beaches and being distracted by onanist men seeking sordid mayhem is not conducive to time on the practice range, essential for consistency. No question, there's no place like homely", Annika added.

JULI JAGGER TYLER
Juli Inkster (love child of Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler) has been the leading US plain jane for a number of years, still playing remarkably well whilst cleverly screwing her face up at the slightest hint of a camera.


LORENA OCHOA LEFT FEELING FLAT
Although Christina Kim briefly threatened to waddle into top spot it is very clear who will now step up. As Annika said: "Clearly Lorena Ochoa has everything it takes to dominate women's golf. Outstanding ability, steely determination...and no breasts."