Saturday, May 10, 2008

Wie hate Michelle

Rarely does an individual come along who represents so many of the factors which raise Expectarant's bile, but surely in Michelle Wie, wie have the perfect candidate.
Never has so limited achievement been leveraged into such rewards.

This obnoxious brat has been destroying the credibility of woman golfers for over 5 years now. Each year, her face is plastered everywhere amidst claims of imminent greatness before mysterious wrist and back "injuries" are blamed for her poor performances. In addition, her embarrassing sorties into men's tour events do nothing other than derive some far more deserving male hacker from earning a crust. You will look in vain on the LPGA website for her dreadful tour stats because, unbelievably, she hasn't even deigned to actually join the LPGA, instead floating around in a haze of sponsors exemptions. In a 2006 article that surely had Henry Luce turning in his grave, Time Magazine unforgivably called her "one of 100 people who shape our world". She is believed to earn over ten million dollars each year...for winning absolutely nothing.

Unfortunately, "Big Bird" Wie isn't the first to gain fame despite a dearth of actual victories. There have been others who have taken precious little talent and used their “other gifts” to gain exposure. A classic case was Expectarant's old friend, IndyCar’s Danica Patrick..... until her pit crew spoiled it all by handing her a victory through their fuel strategy. As covered here, having actually done something credible, her career as the IndyCar Cicciolina was suddenly over….

Golf has had it’s share of no-talent bimbos before of course. Examples (shown below) include Anna Rawson, Sophie Sandolo, and, of course, Christina Kim. A case of "if you can't whip 'em, whip 'em off".

(Expectarant apologises. Christina Kim should not be included here ....... because she has actually won on tour).

However, none exemplify the type better than Natalie Gulbis. This Latvian loser earned vast sums of money from endorsements in her first five years as a pro, despite no wins on the tour.
Natalie was a Danica Patrick clone, down to the FHM shoots and the bikini calendars. Like Danica she was also seen as a shameless slattern destroying her sport's credibility, before tripping over a win in the Evian Masters in her 6th year on tour. With the field going backwards, she won with a score twelve shots worse than Karrie Webb’s score the previous year, but nevertheless the monkey was off Gulpit's back...…and seems to have climbed around to her front instead (below).
Her official website carries the modest description: "Natalie Gulbis - LPGA tournament winning professional, beautiful model, successful businesswoman , desired marketing spokesperson, and philanthropist."
Until July last year, that description would have read: "Natalie Gulbis - LPGA loser, beautiful model, successful businesswoman , desired marketing spokesperson, philanthropist....... and tart."
She upset the establishment by selling vast quantities of her annual calendars, despite them being officially banned by the USGA. Although lacking nudity (see Sophie above for some of that) each year her groaning onanist fans drooled avidly over each bikini shot. Expectarant has heard of one young fan who remained in bed for four days armed only with three of her calendars and a box of tissues. He then got up, tripped, fell downstairs.......and cracked his pyjamas.
Expectarant is intruiged to note that Gulpit's latest calendar will NOT contain any bikini shots. Having shown she can actually win, she appears to have finally found some self-respect from somewhere and realised that she doesn't have to pose semi-naked to earn money.

However, the best example from the world of sports is probably Anna Kournikova (shown below demonstrating her backhand and forehand).She has happily shed her kit at every opportunity, only interrupting her sluttish posing to shag singers and lose the odd tennis match.

Getting back on track, Expectarant was delighted at minging Michelle's performance at the Michelob Ultra Open. In her first outing since February, Wie continued on her merry way, picking up where she left off scoring a 75 to be 12 shots off the lead, before missing the cut tied for 105th place. Expectarant will be following her gangly progress avidly as the year progresses.


Stacy said...

Your post is spot on and deserves a second read. BRAVO!

Thanks for the laugh...I needed it!

--Stacy, Golf for Beginners

Anonymous said...

If you're making 10 mil a year - why on earth would you want to change the way you do things? Aren't pro golfers out there to make money?

Anonymous said...

Your facts on Gulbis were way, way, off. In 2005, she set a record (since broken) for most money made ON the golf course without winning a tournament and finished 6th on the money list. She was a real player long before her first tour win.

Anonymous said...

Mostly right on. One notable BIG miss is the fact that Anna K was one of the most successful women tennis players ever in doubles. But, of course, everyone just watches (and televises) singles.