Immelman: reporters “not getting it”

“They never told me it would be like this” moaned journeyman hacker Trevor “I’m Lame” Immelman as he trudged out of the Whackoff Championship yesterday. True to form, Trev had heroically just scraped under the 150 mark to be booted out in style.

“These reporters are not getting it. Don’t they understand that this is the real me? I was never meant to be scrutinized in this way. I used to happily miss cuts every week, and now people keep noticing. Just because I got lucky in a Major...”

LOSS SLIPPED FROM MY GRASP
“I did everything I could to ensure I lost. Just as when I won the Nedbank Golf Challenge (aka “Africa’s Major”) where I finished bogey-bogey-bogey, I had a completely undignified sphincter factor moment at 16. I mean, I ruined a perfectly good pair of slacks out there as I double-bogeyed. I threw in my trademark 75 closing round and yet I still won. What’s a mediocre duffer to do?”

So, the Masters was nothing really different from any other week. However Trev hadn’t allowed for the legions of drink-sodden oily journos (left) desperate for a column inch or two. Trevor said it best when he pointed out “Last week I missed the cut in Houston and here I am sitting here as the Masters champion. It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of.” . However, instead of focusing on the Tiger putting implosion, the sad wino hacks have tried to build pieces around “I’m Lame” deserving to win, and inventing human interest storylines.

EMBARRASSING
“Immelman only guy with a Grand Slam chance” abc11
“Surely everybody will now realize that Immelman, 28, is one of the game's finest young players” Lorne Rubenstein, Globe and Mail
"Immelman only one that can win Grand Slam now"
Larry Bush, Jupiter Courier
"We salute a true champion for his courage, temperament and nerves of steel" Amagama

HUMAN INTEREST - Benign Tumour?
Trevor exclusively told Expectarant of examples where the sleazy paparazzi twisted the facts:
“They even talked up my embarrassing incident where I was injured after hitting a ball into a tree. It rebounded straight back at me and hit me in the chest. Next thing I know they are talking about a ‘benign tumour’ being removed from my diaphragm. The fact it was ’golf-ball sized’ should have been a giveaway. But no, they wanted their human interest story….
Luckily there has been no mention of the "brain tumour" I got removed from my head a year ago (right).

“They even deliberately got my voice message story wrong. I have a mate called Gary, who is a player. He called and told me I was a freakin' lucky journeyman hacker. You can see where this is going…..”

“I just wish they would leave me alone. I just wasn’t supposed to win this”



REALITY REPORTING…FINALLY
Expectarant is pleased to announce that reality is finally beginning to dawn:
The Golf Channel:
“So, Trevor Immelman, think you can win the next three majors?
“No, probably not,” the South African replied”
The Golf Channel
Immelman win was a fluke – Terrence Moore, Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Immelman continues to struggle – Joedy McCreary, GolfWeek
“There's not much to talk about, really," Immelman said.
Immelman misses another cut – Golf Magazine