Immelman: Not bastard, on drugs?

Even with Tiger on crutches, Trevor “I’m Lame” Immelman couldn’t close the gap (see "Tiger Chase"). The gap, of course, being that between “Greatest Player Who Ever Lived” to “Mediocre Journeyman Loser Who Got Lucky In A Major”.

NOT BASTARD
With his new-found fame as a Major winner, Trevor had the field in the Byron Nelson quaking in their boots as he shot 78-75 for 150th place. In a deserted press conference afterwards, Trevor sobbed as he confessed that he has discovered that he is NOT Gary Player’s illegitimate son, something he had believed for years. “I have a picture of me on his shoudlers when I was 5. I just never thought my parents would willingly place me in the arms of a complete stranger and encourage him to position me on various parts of his body. I just assumed I’d been adopted and that he was my real Dad.”

PLAYER PHONY PRODIGY POSED PETTING PHOTO PLOT PERPETRATED
Expectarant has discovered a “Prodigy Photo” scam that Player has been perpetrating for over 30 years. Each summer, hundreds of 5-year-old children in South Africa pay thousands of dollars to sit on the oily little man’s shoulders and have their picture taken. Whenever any of them find fleeting fame, the picture is produced to show that “Uncle Gary” spotted their prodigal playing ability years before.

To give the scam credibility, Player has software which automatically sends a voice mail to all of the former shoulder sitters the night before the last round of a Major. The message is: “Hey fella. Believe in yourself, hold ya head still on putts, and be strong through adversity, because adversity will come”. Several recipients, now ex-golfers and working as plumbers, priests, rent boys and in McDonalds, have sued Player’s telco in an attempt to get the messages to stop.

In another development, David Leadbetter was asked why he had likened Immelame’s swing to Ben Hogan’s. Chuckling, David tried to rescue his tarnished reputation by claiming that obviously he meant Hogan’s swing “just after or even during his near-fatal car crash”.

ON DRUGS?
Immelame’s sudden burst of “talent” in winning the Masters has drawn comparisons to other sudden performance surges by athletes. Examples include Michelle Smith de Bruin, Marion Jones, Barry Bonds and Florence Griffith-Joyner.
Alert readers may also remember Gary Player’s stunning allegations regarding drug use in golf. He claimed at the time to know the doper personally.
Now, asked why he staggered drunkenly around in 78 to stand 153rd on day one of the Byron Nelson, Immelame alludes to having exhaused his supplies of what may be an illegal substance. See "Out of Gas"