Shakespeare for yoots

It is well-known that The Bard was a keen golfer. His works are peppered with references (albeit vague) to the Royal and Ancient game. A favourite quote describes the all-too-familiar aftermath of the chipping yips:
'Faith, that was not so well; yet would I knew,
That stroke would prove the worst!'

A new book entitled "To Be or Not To Be, Innit" by Martin Baum, purports to be a "Yoof-speak guide to Shakespeare".

It includes classics such as:
Romeo and his Fit Bitch Jools
Verona was de turf of de feuding Montagues and de Capulet families. And coz they was always brawling and stuff, de Prince of Verona told them to cool it or else they was gonna get well mashed if they carried on larging it with each other. Meanwhile, whilst all dis was going on, Romeo, from de Montague posse, had become all jiggy jiggy with de Rosaline bitch who was de niece of de Capulet massive. But never ready to settle with just de one bitch, Romeo and his boyz disguised demselves and crashed de Capulet turf where dere was de masked ball going down, and that was when he saw de well fit Capulet’s daughta, Jools.

and:
Amlet, Prince of Denmark
Dere was somefing minging in de State of Denmark which was making Amlet all uncool. First, his Uncle Claudius had married his muvva, de main bitch Queen Gertrude. Then de Norwegian Fortinbras massive was freatening to invade de Danish turf and finally, and quite unexpectedly, de rank ghost of his nutty farva was spooking de crap out of him. De minging ghost told Amlet he was poisoned by Claudius and wanted him to do somefing about it. Amlet said “Aiii,” and reckoned de best way was to pretend to go all loony toons to make everyone fink he was barking, including Ophelia, de fit bitch he wanted to be all jiggy jiggy with.

Sadly, we don't have an extract from "Offello", which we assume involves "a Paki wot strangles 'is crumpet".