Anthony Kim – Gary Player’s lovechild?

Anthony Kim won the Whackoff Championship by five shots, then startled the oily journos who bothered to hang around by claiming that Gary Player may be his real father.

As the jaded hacks struggled to contain their mounting indifference, he told them: “I have a picture of me sitting on his loveable, oily, dandruff-covered shoulder, taken when I was around 5 (left). He also calls me every time there is a major final round and tells me to watch out for some guy called Ed Varsity or something. This win is for you, Dad!”

This prompted an outburst of jeering and bronxcheers from the baying boozy by-liners. After being shown the Expectarant exclusive expose of the infamous “Player Phony Prodigy Posed Petting Photo Plot Perpetrated” here, Mr Kim did a Snedeker and burst into tears, before sniffling off the podium to drunken cackling from the soused scribblers.

Ben Curtis
More interesting was the reawakening of Ben “Rip Van Winkle” Curtis (right). Sporting a five –year growth of wild facial hair, he posted his best round since stealing a Major from far more deserving folks back in 2003. “As usual, I was dozing at home on the weekend a couple of weeks ago. As you know, the only place I make a cut these days is on a pool table. Suddenly, the phone rang.
Then on my bedside table, I saw the picture of me as a kid on some oily guy’s lap(left) and I shuddered. I just knew it would be that crank call that I get from him every so often. He says something about handling university, then hangs up. To get away from it I wandered over to my practice area and started swinging. The rest you know.”

He yawned, then added “Whatever, I’m feeling a bit weary already, so see you guys again in another five years” before scratching his nether regions and shuffling sadly away.