Phat Phil Phinds Phorm

CORPULENT COLONIAL CHAMPION

The upward pressure on global food prices eased last weekend as Phat Phil “Feed Me” Michelson (left) stopped eating just long enough to win the Colonial by one shot from some anonymous journeymen hackers.

Wiping a tear from his eye, and some stale breadcrumbs from his chest, Phil pulled on the hideous winners jacket, which promptly burst up the back seam as “Feed Me” had become even more morbidly obese during the final round.

The gross golfer blamed his burgeoning bingeing on stress. “When you don’t know when your next pint of trans-fat is coming from, it’s difficult to hold everything together” he wheezed. When his hand stuck half way up the sleeve he was asked to try again, this time without holding the Big Mac.

The bulimic ball striker recovered from a near collapse on the back nine, when his legs buckled under the stress (above). Buckets were brought and some purging with extreme prejudice followed. A team of over forty volunteers soon got him upright, after initial confusion where some thought they were there to push him back into the sea.

Stuffing his winners check down the front of his trousers, “Feed Me” announced that he was considering some obese operatic antics, playing Mr Creosote in a new Broadway show based on Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Liphe”.