Surly Sergio Speechless

GARCIA WINNING NOT WHINING SHOCK
Sergio Garcia made absolutely no comment after winning the Player’s Championship last night. Having focused his entire post-round repertoire into whining about how the world was against him and how unlucky he was, he found himself unable to speak as he dropped lucky putt after lucky putt, while others missed, to get into a playoff.
Finally, he was left gaping at Paul Goydos as Paul meekly put his tee-shot at the notorious 17th into the water to hand the tournament to Garcia. Sergio was left with a wedge and two putts to seal his victory. He was reportedly checked into an acting clinic last night trying to relearn how to smile.

GOD GOOFED?
Afterwards, in an exclusive interview, God revealed to Expectarant that he had intended to make Garcia as unlucky and miserable as usual, but had somehow “missed” him. Sporting even more wild facial hair than usual, and smelling slightly of altar wine, God was upset that people seemed to think he should never make mistakes. He then added, “Hey, I can’t be everywhere at once, you know?!”. When reminded of the doctrines of infallibility and omnipresence, God muttered something about “gotta get my drink on”, moved in a mysterious way and vanished from sight.


JESUS WEPT
Soon after, scuffling noises indicated that God had mysteriously moved himself ten feet away into a nearby broom cupboard. When released, he wept as he confessed that there may have been a slight tremor in his finger as he pointed it at Garcia. “I can’t guarantee it, but I think I may have hit the old fat harmless sweaty guy instead” (see below).

GORMLESS GOYDOS
Goydos took it all in his customary low-key, smiling, homely, journeyman-like way. All week he has been getting massive press coverage for the calm, downbeat, sheer happy ordinariness of his comments and actions.

What a complete gentleman!
What a thoroughly likeable character!
What an absolute loser!


SENSE AT LAST
Afterwards, Goydos showed more nous that is indicated by his appearance when he pointed out: “the last thing I needed was to win this and be the focus of the baying boozy by-liners going forward. Look what happened to poor Trevor Immelame!”