Waiting For Goydos

AMERICAN GOLF HAS HIS SAY



(Apologies to Mr Beckett)

Given the dearth of credible American challengers in recent top tournaments, Expectarant decided to have a chat with American Golf himself.

Scene: A country road. A tree. Evening.

AG(American Golf): (sighing and trying to pull off his DryJoys) Nothing to be done.

EAR (Expect-A-Rant): Still no sign of the "Great White Hope" then?

AG: Not a sausage.

EAR: Still, you have Tiger.

AG: Not at the moment, he's missing in inaction. Right now, we have people of the calibre of Phat Phil "Feed Me" Mickelson and Stewart "Going Down The" Cink. Tiger's gammy leg has more personality. Come to think of it, a stiff gerbil in a can of mushroom soup has more presence.

EAR: So, AG, things ain't so good right now, huh?

AG: In the words of St. Joe Peski: "Hey, tell me aboudit! Deese losers is drivin' me nuts!"

EAR: Do tell

AG: Worst bunch in years. A surly Spanish whiner wins the Players Championship, a twitchy bouncing Irishman pips the Spanish whiner for the British Open, a chain-smoking Argentinian journeyman loser wins the US Open, a lame South African with a golf ball in his chest wins the Masters?! I mean, come on!



EAR: There's always the PGA.

AG: Thank God for the lottery tickets at the USPGA Journeyman's Classic! Everywhere else, foreigners with desire and ability eating our lunch. Meanwhile, what do I got? Gormless Goydos, that's what!

EAR: You mean, Paul "What a complete gentleman! What a thoroughly likeable character! What an absolute loser!" Goydos?

AG: The very fellow. Hailed as the articulate nice guy. Witty, charming, sweaty - he seemed to have everything.

EAR: Except the ability to win?

AG: Yeah, that. And the fact that when he tossed in the playoff (less groaning from the onanists please), he handled his entirely predicable defeat in the following considered, erudite manner:
"No defense; I couldn't tackle the little guy. He's probably not little, that's probably not a fair thing; he could probably take me pretty easily. But you can't kneecap him."

EAR: If only Obama was as eloquent.

AG: Let's keep politics out of this. Dubya hasn't exactly been a great ad for American golf. (Thoughtful) Mind you, Hillary and Chelsea are unattractive enough to be decent players on the LPGA tour....



EAR: Ahem! Is this your worst year ever?

AG: No. We actually still have a one-legged American clinging onto a major right now. In 1994 all four majors and the Players were won by foreigners.

EAR: Ouch! And I thought annus horribilis was something that called for Preparation H.

AG: Or Christina Kim from behind?

EAR: Enough! What is causing this decline?

AG: I'm glad you asked. I could blame it all on a temporary surplus of journeymen losers, but it's deeper than that. The excessive purses, especially the money paid to the middle of the pack, has created a generation of golfers who are driven, not by the desire to WIN, but by the desire to NOT LOSE. There is a massive difference between the two. When sweaty buffoons like Goydos "have their day", with putts and chips falling in everywhere, they don't know what to do with it. On the other hand, Europeans NEED to win to be financially secure. They've developed a hunger and mental toughness that Americans lack and the Ryder Cup has been highlighting this for years. If I wasn't an inbred redneck creationist with my head up my ass, I'd say that it makes perfect evolutionary sense that American golfers haven't needed to win to survive, so they gave up trying.

ERA: That is undoubtedly correct, but perhaps excessively deep for a satirical blog such as this. To close, do you have any other golfing examples of such evolutionary developments?

AG: Sure. Look at women's golf. Now that the Latvian Loser Gulpit Gulbis has learned that she can actually make money winning tournaments instead of flashing her T&A everywhere, she'll probably have a breast reduction and have ugly back pictures taken.

ERA: Fair enough. Thanks for your time.

AG: Well? Shall we go?

ERA: Yes, let's go.

(They do not move)

Surly Sergio Speechless

GARCIA WINNING NOT WHINING SHOCK
Sergio Garcia made absolutely no comment after winning the Player’s Championship last night. Having focused his entire post-round repertoire into whining about how the world was against him and how unlucky he was, he found himself unable to speak as he dropped lucky putt after lucky putt, while others missed, to get into a playoff.
Finally, he was left gaping at Paul Goydos as Paul meekly put his tee-shot at the notorious 17th into the water to hand the tournament to Garcia. Sergio was left with a wedge and two putts to seal his victory. He was reportedly checked into an acting clinic last night trying to relearn how to smile.

GOD GOOFED?
Afterwards, in an exclusive interview, God revealed to Expectarant that he had intended to make Garcia as unlucky and miserable as usual, but had somehow “missed” him. Sporting even more wild facial hair than usual, and smelling slightly of altar wine, God was upset that people seemed to think he should never make mistakes. He then added, “Hey, I can’t be everywhere at once, you know?!”. When reminded of the doctrines of infallibility and omnipresence, God muttered something about “gotta get my drink on”, moved in a mysterious way and vanished from sight.


JESUS WEPT
Soon after, scuffling noises indicated that God had mysteriously moved himself ten feet away into a nearby broom cupboard. When released, he wept as he confessed that there may have been a slight tremor in his finger as he pointed it at Garcia. “I can’t guarantee it, but I think I may have hit the old fat harmless sweaty guy instead” (see below).

GORMLESS GOYDOS
Goydos took it all in his customary low-key, smiling, homely, journeyman-like way. All week he has been getting massive press coverage for the calm, downbeat, sheer happy ordinariness of his comments and actions.

What a complete gentleman!
What a thoroughly likeable character!
What an absolute loser!


SENSE AT LAST
Afterwards, Goydos showed more nous that is indicated by his appearance when he pointed out: “the last thing I needed was to win this and be the focus of the baying boozy by-liners going forward. Look what happened to poor Trevor Immelame!”